


Better Off

by niliga



Category: The Society (TV 2019)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, F/M, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Rape/Non-con Elements
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-08
Updated: 2019-09-19
Packaged: 2020-08-12 01:36:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20163523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/niliga/pseuds/niliga
Summary: Rachel Pressman has always been a loner. Unlike her sisters, Cassandra and Allie, she barely had any friends - her safe haven was the IT club and the kids in it her second family: Bean and Gordie. Although she would sometimes feel lonely, she had a quiet life. A good life. Up until Campbell Eliot decided that she would be his.  After years of bruises, jealousy, and fear, she finally decides to run away. Could she have chosen a better time? Will Luke be able to save her from Campbell - and from herself?Based off of the 1st season of The Society





	1. PROLOGUE

I can remember the way my hands wouldn't stop shaking. How my legs were restless, always bouncing up and down in perfect rhythm with the creaky bus's motor. My stomach was in knots, and I knew that even the thought of any food would upset it to the point where I couldn't hold back the bile that gathered at the back of my throat. 

Not like it was even an option to think about food. My mind was reeling like an old, used and rusty machine that sometimes got stuck and repeated the same task over and over again. I couldn't even count the times I listed the names of the motels I picked or the buses and trains I would take. Names of streets, cheap diners, relatives and bus stations. I felt like my mind would blow up in a matter of seconds. 

Everyone around me was happy. They were chatting excitedly, listening to music or even making out despite the heavy rain that continued to pour down from the heavens. And there I sat alone, my mood turning even sourer. When the bus came to a halt, I swear I felt my own heart stop for a moment. I looked around to find the others just as confused as I was. When the driver announced that we would be going back, at first I felt frightened. Why was this happening? And what would it mean for me? 

As I forced myself to calm down and thought about it, I came to realize that it may be better this way. The sooner I can run, the better. My clothes wouldn't be dirty either, so that's also a good thing. I bit my lips to keep myself from smiling. I'm going to be free. Now I could really feel it, deep in my bones. The door that led out of the haunted house was on the horizon. I wouldn't have to be afraid anymore. Everything is going to be fine. 

I got off the bus, careful to keep my head down. I looked around from behind the curtain of my hair just to make sure I wasn't seen when I felt a hand grab mine. I jumped and turned around, raising my other arm in front of my face defensively. 

"Is everything alright?" I head Cassandra's voice, and I let my hand drop. I forced a smile on my face, nodding. 

"Sorry, I was just-" I blurted out, unsure how to explain myself. "You scared me, that's all."

She gave me a look but didn't push the matter any further for which I was eternally grateful. Letting go of my hand, she looked around, and I could see the confusion etched onto her face. "Where is everyone?" She whispered, then took out her phone. I guess the rest is history.

I lay in my bed, staring up at the ceiling. The church was close, I could hear the loud music screaming through my open window. I sighed, turning to my side and glanced at my suitcase laying next to my bed. I wasn't sure that what I was about to do was the right decision. Ever since I decided, I kept thinking about everything I would lose. My friends, my family, my whole life really. What would my parents think when they came home and found my bed empty? Would they search for me? And for how long? But it was the only option. Or it seemed like at the time. 

I told myself that I would wait until Allie came home. When they were both asleep safely in their beds. Then I would move. I would write and do everything I planned to do. And I wouldn't look back. I couldn't, because if I did then I would change my mind. 

I held my breath from the moment I heard the front door open and Allie's bedroom door close. She was inside. I didn't wait any longer. I got up, checked the time. 02:15. Still early. At my desk, I pulled up a fresh sheet of paper and grabbed a pen. I hesitated. Maybe I didn't know what to write or maybe I didn't want to write. It made this all feel too real. 

_Mom, Dad, Allie, Cass_

_I'm sorry. Please don't look for me, I'm okay. It's not your fault. I can't come back. I love you all very, very much and I always will._

_Yours, _

_Rachel_

It was short. Way too short. But I couldn't write anything else. They can't know the reason, but they must know that I'm okay. I wanted it to hurt as little as possible. My heart ached just thinking about what it will be like for them to find my note. To know that I'm gone and I'm not coming back. I bit my lip to keep myself from crying as I stood up and grabbed my backpack and suitcase. 2:32. It's now or never. 

I got out of the house as quietly as possible. I could still hear the music, but I wasn't worried about that. Everyone there is way too drunk to care about me walking around town at the dead of night. They could think that I'm simply paranoid or something like that. They didn't care before and they sure as hell not going to start now. 

I decided to go the long way anyway. I stayed clear of the church, of any kind of activity, making sure no one would see me. The train station wasn't far and I got there in 20 minutes. It was dark, but the lights in the waiting room were lit, like always. The next train would leave at 4:24, yet another fact I have repeated in my mind a hundred times today. I glanced at the time on my phone, then around the station. Noone was nearby and the place was even creepier than usual, but I couldn't quite put my finger on the reason at first. Then I saw it. The tracks leading to Greenwich were covered in moss, bushes, and trees. Where there was nothing yesterday, now stood a dense forest, standing tall and solid, claiming the territory of men as itself once again. My heart started beating rapidly, my mind immediately trying to come up with a sane explanation. _I'm dreaming. _

I soon found out that I wasn't in fact dreaming. Or if I was it was a rather realistic nightmare and one from which I seemed unable to wake up. I walked up to the bridge but came up with the same exact result. The road ended where the forest began, closing me off of the rest of the world. I was running now. Straight across town, to another exit, to make sure that my mind was just playing tricks on me and everything is alright. By the time I got there, the sun started to come up. I was panting as I fell to my knees, nails digging into the asphalt, and as I felt the pain, a sob left my mouth. I realized that I was shaking as I took out my phone and called the only person I knew would come up with a solution. 

"C-Cass?" I managed to say, bloody hands clutching the phone so hard, my knuckles turned white. "Something's wrong."


	2. All Alone

"Rachel, you have to calm down." The only thing that managed to break the waterfall of my tears was Allie's soft voice, coming from my side. I could feel her small hand on my back, drawing soothing circles on my shirt. Despite her best efforts, he couldn't put an end to the hysterical sobs that kept on escaping from my mouth. I knew that everyone was watching me, I could feel them staring, the gazes burning holes in me like small bullets, coming from every single direction. They didn't quite understand my outburst, I could tell that much. They probably thought that it was about not being able to drive to my parents, or that I was just afraid and confused like they all were. But it wasn't that. It wasn't that and nobody knew the truth, nobody could know. I didn't care who was watching. I didn't care about the whispers and their pity. I didn't care about anything. All I wanted was for the earth to open up and swallow me, freeing me from this endless misery, this prison I learned to call home.

"Leave me alone," I whispered, pulling up my knees and dropping my head between them. I could feel my heart beating faster and faster, almost as it was trying to break out of my chest. I heard my therapist's calm voice in my head then, telling me to_ breathe_. My fingers tangled into my hair as I held my head, afraid it might burst. The blood leaking from my torn fingernails painted my golden locks crimson red, but I didn't care about that either. I saw stars from the number of tears I shed, and the headache was maddening. _Breathe._

"Your hands!" Allie exclaimed, pulling the body part she pointed out into her own, tearing some of my hair out in the process. "We have to take you to the doctor."

I suddenly had the urge to laugh. I lifted my head slowly and I looked at her, cheeks black from the smeared mascara. "What doctor, Al? Don't you get it? There are no doctors. There are no parents. There's no one but us. A couple of idiotic, helpless kids." My voice was more bitter than I wanted it to be, but I couldn't help it. In that moment, it felt like someone pulled the rug from under me. There was no plan. No way out. No escape. The world in which we were forced to live in now was a big, gilded cage. A prison. _Just breathe. _I sucked air into my lungs, panting as hard as someone who just ran the marathon. My vision slowly started to clear, the stars disappearing one by one.

"You don't know that," as she said it, her voice broke, and so did my heart a little more. I looked at her then and saw the unshed tears in her eyes and felt guilt stab me hard in the heart. I could let myself be miserable later. I can't hurt my sister with my problems. I had to be strong for her. So I swallowed my tears and nodded, tucking her messy curls behind her ear, forcing my mind up from the deep, black hole it fell into, guiding it somewhere else, into a different box filled with lies.

"You're right. I'm sorry, Al. You're right," I kept repeating, hugging her close to me. "There's an explanation for all this. It's going to be okay." She let me hold her and stroke her hair, and I let my fingers brush out the knots that were left there either as a result of last night's party or the small amount of sleep she managed to get before I called our sister sobbing, startling the whole town awake in the process. 

Allie put her arms around me and we just sat there together, relishing each other's company, enjoying this solid, little oasis in the ocean of chaos that surrounded us. I sighed as I felt my tense body relax, finally opening my eyes and carrying my gaze over the crowd that gathered around us. My eyes briefly met Luke's before I looked away, my face heating up. His face had worry written all over it. Was he worried about me? I stopped myself from going down that road. Letting myself even think of him have caused me enough trouble in the past. I couldn't let myself commit the same mistakes. 

"Rach!" the sound of my name paralyzed my entire body once again. Allie felt me tensing and pulled away, confusion crumpling up her face as she looked up at me. Then she heard it too. "Rach, hey. Are you alright? What happened?" I couldn't move. I kept staring at Allie with wide eyes as he reached for me, and the closer he got, the more rapid my breathing became. Her eyes focused on me, then him again and again, clearly panicked, not knowing what to do.

"We still have to take you to a doctor," Cassandra said, pulling me to my feet before he could touch me. "Get that cleaned up for you." She then smiled at me and squeezed my hand reassuringly, putting her body between me and the intruder. I sniffled and nodded, unable to form proper words of gratitude. She was always there right when I needed her. My savior. Everyone's savior.

"I can take her."

"No," my sister said without missing a beat. "No, Campbell, thank you. Allie has got it, I'm sure Gordie can help you too," she smiled, but it didn't quite reach her eyes.

"Yeah, It's alright. Come on, Rachel, let's find him." I then went with my other sister, not glancing in Campbell's direction again, even though I could feel his eyes burning a hole into my back.  


  


-

  


"What happened?" Gordie asked while cleaning my index finger. I did not feel the pain before, but now I sure could with the antiseptic burning the wounds. When he realized that I wasn't going to answer, he looked at Allie, who was sitting at the counter, but she too remained silent, simply shrugging her shoulders.

"We found her like this on the road. Well, not exactly found. She called Cassandra in the middle of the night telling that something was wrong. I think she tried to... to claw at the asphalt?" I could feel my cheeks heat up again at the words. It seemed so foolish, so childish now. But in those moments of agony, it felt good to feel the pain that could distract me from the wounds that were inside. 

"Something's wrong? What's wrong?" he asked, lifting his head again. "Is Cassandra okay?" I didn't miss the worry in his voice. It made me think of Luke again. The way he looked at me... It was...

"She's okay. As okay as she can be," Allie averted her gaze, looking at the carpet instead. "The town... it's..." she struggled to find the right words, which I understood. I couldn't phrase the thing I saw or the way I felt. No words came close to them. "The exits are blocked by the forest. All of them."

"Even the train tracks," I said, the first words I spoke since we left the road. Both of them looked at me, but I kept my gaze on the ground. "I... I wanted to leave," I admitted, the shame evident in my voice. What was I thinking? How could I leave my sisters behind? What about Gordie, Bean, Sam, and Becca? How could I be so selfish? 

"Why?" Allie asked, but there was no rush in her voice. She talked to me like I was a rabbit she wished to hold, and she was afraid that if she moved too fast, I would bolt. Maybe I would have.

"I..." I started, but I couldn't finish. I could feel the tears coming back, but I didn't want to cry again. My head already hurt like hell and I could barely keep my swollen eyelids open. All I wanted was to sleep. So I just shook my head, turning away from them again. 

Gordie finished cleaning my hands in silence. All three of our minds were racing, trying to come up with a sensible explanation which just wasn't there. People don't just disappear and forests don't grow overnight. If somebody asked me then, I would have said that it was all Campbell's doing, because he was the son of the devil himself, and upon sensing my plans of escape he fabricated this forest to keep me here with him forever. Of course, deep down I knew that was impossible. But when the limits of impossible are challenged, your mind goes to the craziest of places. If this was possible, if this was reality now, why couldn't that be?   


  


-

  


We went to the church together later to listen to my sister's speech. It was no surprise that she would take control, find a solution to all this. She just always knew what needed to be done, something that I have always admired in her. I heard her talking, but I couldn't listen. I could feel eyes on me again, burning into my skin. The hysterical show I put on on the road sure left its mark in people's minds. I crossed my arms in front of my chest and kept my gaze on my knees, not risking to catch anyone's gaze. 

When we heard the shot, we all dropped to the floor, like little robots, did what we were taught in school. I breathed like a wild animal caught in the headlights, my gaze fixing on a point, my eyes unable to leave his. I gripped the bench I sat on to keep my hands from trembling. He had a gun. 

I followed him with my eyes as he talked, but he was no longer looking at me, but at my sister. I hated him even more for that. I almost got up, but Allie was quicker, placing herself between him and Cassandra. I could see their mouths moving, but I could not make out the words they were saying from the blood pumping in my ear.

"Campbell," I said, and my voice almost sounded gentle. He glanced at me, his face twitching, almost like he wanted to smile. But he did not put the gun down. 

"I don't want to shoot you," he said, and suddenly I could breathe again. I looked at my sisters, still frightened, afraid of what he might do. "I wanted to get everybody's attention. This meeting is obviously over. We will be back when Luke gets here," he said, and now he looked straight at me, quirking an eyebrow. I looked away, trying to cover the blush that appeared on my cheeks. " 'Til then if anybody else is tired of listening to her, follow me."

I didn't even have time to blink before he grabbed my arm and pulled me to him. As I looked at him, he gave me one of his signature smirks and planted a kiss on my lips. I wanted to scream, cry and claw at his face all at once, but I didn't. I just let him take my hand and lead me away, and I did not look back, but grabbed his arm with my free hand and squeezed it to keep myself from crying. At least that's what I told myself. But when he looked at me with softness in his eyes and kissed my forehead, I felt something other than fear. Something I always felt after he fucked me while his rough hands were around my throat, blocking my oxygen for so long I almost fainted, or after he hit me so hard I fell on my knees, then didn't stop. Oh, but after. After he was different. He was soft and caring and I always loved those moments, because they made it feel like it was all worth it, like it would never be like that again and it would always be like this. Soft, sweet and warm, as it should be. I always loved him after, hated him during and feared him in between. It was a vicious circle. 

We were almost outside - the door just an arm away, when it abruptly opened. First, I saw Grizz. His eyes were bloodshot, unseeing, different. I wondered what had happened, but the answer came walking right after him, in the form of Luke. He was carrying a girl in his arms. A girl - Emily. The same Emily who I sat next to in first grade, who braided my hair before the annual hike, who always let me borrow her French homework. Her head bent back, her body rigid - clearly dead. I gasped, stepping aside, still clutching Campbell, my hand gripping his arm stronger for which he would have been angry for, but in a moment like this, even he was silent. With one arm around my shoulders, he pulled me closer, pressing a kiss into my hair. 

I broke out of his embrace and rushed to the door. Nobody was looking at me now, at least. They had something even more frightening to watch. I was out of there before Campbell or anyone else had a chance to stop me. I emptied the content of my stomach into a nearby bush, then I sat down on the steps, hugging myself. I felt strong arms envelop me, kisses on my neck and shoulders like they were trying to shoot me, but I pulled away.

"Don't do that," he said, his voice deep - a warning. "Don't pull away from me again. Rach, don't do this."

"Stay away from me," I said, my voice barely a whisper. My whole body was shaking, my eyes shut. "I want to be alone."

"Why were you on that road with your bags?" he demanded to know, dismissing my plea, his voice, his posture, his whole persona changing before my eyes. "What were you doing there?"

"Jesus fucking Christ, Campbell!" I blurted out. "Emily just died and all you fucking care about is why I was on the road. Who the fuck cares? Did you see their faces? There's nothing there. Nothing, do you understand? We're all alone in this fucking town and no one is coming to get us."

"We have always been alone," he said quietly, gazing into my eyes before he stood up and walked back inside. I couldn't help but wonder if he was right. We were all alone, but we had each other. That was what he would always tell me. But was it true or was it just another thought he managed to plant into my naive mind? 


	3. Replaceable

It's been 10 days now. The house was full, with Will and Sam staying there, but the feeling of emptiness remained. Or maybe it was just me. For the first time in ages, I felt hollow, completely robbed. I wasn't happy. I wasn't sad. I wasn't afraid. After ten days of crying and moping, you are simply left with nothing; no more tears to shed, no more painful memories to relive, no more crazy theories you can come up with.

It was an early Friday afternoon when I decided to go downstairs. I haven't been outside of my room for a long while, but I felt ready now. I have had enough of laying in bed mourning the life I almost had, which just slipped out of my grasp like a nimble fish. I missed my parents. Not like it would have made much of a difference for me if they were with us. I couldn't tell them. Not now, not ever. I just couldn't. But it would have been nice to have my mother laying next to me, stroking my hair, whispering sweet words into my ear, or to have dad make pancakes with smiling chocolate faces in the morning. When I realized that might never happen again, I think I hit rock bottom.

I thought about dying. It's not like it was the first time it crossed my mind. How easy it would be to slit my wrists in a bathtub or take a bunch of pills. But I couldn't do it. I wasn't brave enough to face that guilt. Killing myself would have destroyed my family and my ghost would have stayed in the town, forever a reminder of the selfish girl whose sister was sick, yet she still willingly gave up her own chance to live.

But here I was now, sitting, alive, listening to Gordie talking about alternative universes and eclipses. It all felt dull and boring. Things that excited me before, now lost their meaning, and that hollow feeling approached me once again, creeping down my back, whispering into my ear. _You have nothing to live for. You have no future. No purpose. _The voice was right. I didn't. I used to have one. I used to have more. I was going to apply to Harvard or Yale, become a scientist - probably a biologist. I was going to get away from Campbell, shut him out of my life completely and find a nice guy, like, a real nice one, someone like Luke, who would never hurt me and we would get married, have a two-story house, a samoyed, two kids and a perfectly happy life. I was going to leave my past behind, this whole town and the people with it, only coming back for the holidays to see mom, dad, Cassandra, and Allie. They were only dreams, rather naive ones, sure, like all dreams, but they were mine. And now, knowing that they didn't even have the slightest chance of coming true, it all felt pointless. Living, breathing, sleeping, waking up, eating. But for what? What was I keeping myself alive for?

"Rach?" it was Allie, snapping her fingers in front of my face, trying to bring me back to reality. "Are you alright?" she asked, and I saw her brow furrowing as I finally looked at her.

I could only manage a nod. Six pair of eyes fixed on me, unmoving. Allie, Will, Cassandra, Bean, Sam, and Gordie were all there, waiting for me to speak.

"I'm okay. I just-" I started, trying to find the right words. I wasn't even sure what I was looking for. An explanation? A white lie? A way out? "I need some air."

I stood up, not waiting for them to speak. I went outside, sitting on the front steps, trying to clear my head. I thought I was done with all the anxiety and stress, but my mind just wouldn't listen. It kept on spiraling, jumping into conclusions and coming up with scenarios, one worse than the other.

"Hey," Sam said as he sat down next to me, rubbing my back. "You alright?" he signed as I turned around to face him. I only nodded, turning my head away for a moment. I wasn't sure if I wanted to talk to anyone. I wanted to be alone. "I saw you and Campbell at the church."

The sound of his name made my stomach churn. I certainly didn't want to speak about him. I averted my gaze, shrugging my shoulders. I didn't know how to explain myself or if I should.

"Do you know why I'm staying with you?" he signed again when I looked at him, and I only shook my head. "He threw me out of the house."

"That's terrible, Sam. I'm so sorry," I signed back, swallowing the lump that gathered in my throat. I hugged him briefly and awkwardly, trying to take away the weight of his words.

"He's terrible, Rachel. He doesn't deserve you. I saw your eyes when you were with him that day. You were hopeful, weren't you? Again. We have talked about this. He can't feel. He doesn't care about you. It's all a lie, only pretend. Why don't you understand?" he looked so desperate then. We didn't become friends for the first couple of years back when Campbell and I started dating. Only after things got bad. But he was always there to listen and give advice, which I rarely took.

"I do understand. I just don't want to."

He sighed, something like disappointment appearing on his face. He wanted to say something, but he didn't know what else he could that he hasn't already. Nothing ever worked with me for I always refused to listen.

"I love him."

The words stung, but they were truer than anything else in the world. I fell in love with him a long time ago and I never stopped. Not when his knuckles connected with my face for the first time. Not when those fingers that used to caress me turned violent and demanding. Not when he said awful things to me, calling me names nobody ever did before. I hated him. I really, really did, with all I had and to such a point sometimes it scared me. But the love was just as great, the hope that one day everything would be alright, that one day he would be normal again.

"He doesn't love you."

I also knew that. He couldn't love me. He always pretended. Knew what I wanted to hear and said it. Was aware of the way I liked to be touched and touched me. Not to make me feel good, but to force some kind of reaction out of me, to make me fall in love with a personality he made up and pretended to have. To chain me to him. A single tear rolled down my cheek then, but I wiped it away quickly.

"I know that. And I still love him. That's why I wanted to run, Sam. I had to get away. I couldn't say no and I couldn't tell anyone. I couldn't hurt him," my voice broke as I was speaking, betraying my emotions. I wasn't afraid to be vulnerable with Sam. I trusted him because he has never failed me before. He understood. He hated him too, but he was his brother.

"It's going to be alright. Everything is going to be alright. You keep your distance and let us protect you. Okay?" he asked, and without waiting for me to reply, pulled me to him, enveloping me in a hug. Before I thought I had no tears left, but now they streamed down my face as the rain does on a hot summer day.

-

By the time we got back inside, the "meeting" was already over. As I later learned, they have decided to take everything into inventory before things turned bad. Real bad. I thought it to be a smart idea, maybe the smartest one yet. Once the food is gone, who knows what sort of chaos would take over our small town.

I decided to accompany Sam and Becca. They were tasked with the collection of evidence of any sorts that could explain exactly how or why did we get here. Where even was 'here'?

We went through cabinets and boxes, coming up with nothing more than old pictures and boring documents about marriages, deaths, and births. Becca found an old, black and white picture of the town hall. She looked at it, then passed it to Sam. 

"That's how it used to be. Sad, huh?" she said and signed at the same time. As I watched her movements I remembered the time she and Sam taught me the sign language so I can talk to them more easily. It was a long time ago. Looking back now, I feel like all that happened with a different person and I only know about it because of a photograph, just like this one. History seems a lot less scary when the bloody events do not happen to you. 

"It still looks like that. Pretty much," Sam signed, which I agreed with when I looked at the picture again. "More cars," he added, which made me smile a little. 

"More assholes," Becca suggested and I couldn't hold back a quiet giggle. Both of them looked at me then and smiled. It turned out to be a great decision to leave the house after all. 

"My brother's got a semi-automatic pistol." As Sam made the correct movements with his hands, he looked at me. I turned my head away and wished I could pretend I didn't know what they meant. "There's progress for you."

"Do you think it was always a hypocritical fucking cesspool, or is that a new feature?"

"It's New England. These roots go way back," Sam finally said, and they both laughed, but I couldn't. My mind got stuck on Campbell and his pistol. Has he always had it or was it his father's? If he did, he could have used it on me any time. I thought about all the times I slept in his bed, unaware of my surroundings. He could have easily killed me. But he didn't want to. It was just like he so often said: he didn't have anyone but me. 

As I lifted my head, I noticed that Becca looked sick. I shared a glance with Sam, then stood up, placing a hand on her shoulder.

"Are you okay?" I asked, and she looked at me, then to Sam.

"I don't feel good. I gotta go home."

"Should we come with you?" Sam signed, but she just shook her head.

"No, I'll be okay," she assured us, then left. 

I sighed, looking after her as she walked outside, then stepped towards the door myself.

"I'm gonna use the bathroom," I signed to Sam, and he nodded. 

After I finished and started walking back to the room, I heard a voice coming from downstairs. I peered into the office we previously searched and found it empty. Confused, I walked down, slowly, making sure I made as little noise as possible. It didn't take a minute for me to recognize Campbell's voice.

"...something to do with this?" I heard him say, then the sound of ripping paper. I stepped into the room and saw his back, then Sam, standing before him.

"What's going on?" I asked, startling both of them. When Campbell saw me, he smiled, walking closer to me. I didn't miss that he put the papers down before he reached me. 

"Hello, beautiful," he said, caressing my cheek, obviously trying to distract me from what I just saw. "There's a game of fugitive in an hour. I would want nothing more than to chase you around town and catch you... just imagine the things I would do to you once you're my prisoner." As he talked, one of his arms slid around my waist, abruptly wrenching me towards him. Our bodies pressed together and I could feel his hot breath on my neck as he whispered into my ear. My face flushed a crimson red at his words, and I couldn't hide the shiver that ran down my spine. Then I glanced at Sam.

"I'm busy," I said, pulling away from him, and walking further into the room, keeping my distance. "Don't you have better things to do than playing stupid games?" I asked and I could see his face darken, and the way his fists balled at his sides made my heartbeat quicken. 

"If you keep up this act, don't be surprised when things change," he said sinisterly, keeping his dire gaze on me. "Turns out, you are quite easy to replace."

Without another word, he turned around and walked away, not sparing a further glance in my direction. Even though some part of me wanted this, my heart still ached as I registered his words, and I had to hug myself to keep my body from trembling. I bit my lower lip, turning away, back to Sam. I knew he saw the tears in my eyes, but I couldn't care at that moment. 

"H-he's seeing someone else?" I asked, but he only shrugged. I swallowed, looking up at the ceiling, hoping the tears would cease to exist that way. 

"Look at me," he said, touching my arms, and I did. I sniffled, shaking like a leaf. "It's for the best. Whoever she is, I couldn't feel sorrier for her. This is what you wanted, isn't it? This is your way out."

"Is it?" I asked, my voice shaky. "I wanted to run so I wouldn't have to live through all this."

"You're strong, Rachel. You're the strongest person I know. If anyone can make it through this, it's you. And we're going to be here for you all the way through." He hugged me then, so tight that I didn't feel so desperate anymore. I still let my tears roll down as I buried my face in his neck.


	4. Fugitives

I ended up sitting in the living room, again. I decided on reading a book, either to occupy my mind or to pass the time. It was one of my favorites, the Lord of the Flies, a piece I discovered through a friend back in middle school. It was a lot more depressing now than I have remembered, or maybe it was only our situation that made it so. Despite the melancholy that approached me, I couldn't bring myself to put it down. As I was reading, I felt like I was in a different world, away from all the fucked-up stuff that has happened in the last weeks. Inside that book, those people weren't real. Sure, they suffered, as everyone else does, but oftentimes it helps to focus on someone else's suffering instead of your own. 

I only lifted my head up at the sound of footsteps coming down the stairs. When Allie's blonde head appeared, I raised my brows, forgetting the book completely. 

"Going somewhere?" I asked, and she shrugged, too busy pulling on her boots. "C' mon, don't leave me hanging," I said, giving her a small smile. I knew how she hated seeing me sad, for even on the days when my anxiety would worsen, she always tried to make me smile, coming up with the stupidest of jokes. 

"I think I'm gonna join that fugitive party. Wanna come?" she asked, which caught me by surprise. 

The green-eyed monster blinked awake inside of me as the memory of Campbell's words came flooding through the gates of my mind. I bit my lip, glancing down at my book, contemplating. 

"Sure. It would be nice to get away from all this," I said, putting down the book and standing up. I pulled my hair into a ponytail as we started walking, trying to keep up with Allie. 

"Are you in a hurry, big sister?" I asked teasingly, laughing a little as I hopped to catch up with her. "Maybe somebody's waiting for you?"

"No," she said, dragging the 'o' out, which answered my question. I gave her a knowing look, and she groaned, covering her face with her hands. "Harry might have invited me," she admitted, and I couldn't hide the shock that rearranged my features in a matter of seconds. 

"Harry? Harry Bingham?" I asked, just to make sure I heard her right. She just nodded her head, and I suddenly didn't know what to say. "Isn't he dating Kelly Aldrich?"

"I guess he's not," she shrugged again, looking around. We could see the people now, standing in a group in the parking lot, around a police car. How did they manage that? 

Luke was the first one I noticed. He stood with his group of friends - Clark and Jason were both by his side along with other guys. When I spotted him, he was already looking in our direction, and then smiled and me. I blushed and instinctively smiled back, running my hands through my hair and looking away the next minute, pretending as if nothing happened. But when I looked up, I saw Campbell's deadly gaze. He must have seen the exchange. My smile was gone and a look of fear took its place. It was a really bad idea to come here. What was I thinking? Did I want to take Campbell's offer? I wasn't stupid. I knew I shouldn't. 

"Fugitives! Your three minutes starts now." Harry shouted while standing on the trunk of a car and half of the people there took off running. 

I looked around, a bit startled, then joined them, leaving my sister standing at the edge of the road. I did not look back.

The rush of adrenaline that coursed through my veins felt like a breath of fresh air. My mind focused on one thing: getting to the church. My heart was beating fast from the excitement of being chased down. I did not want to get caught. I wanted to win. Or did I? I grinned, increasing my speed, running along with the others. As the minutes passed, we heard the cars. Let the chase begin. 

I glanced back over my shoulder, seeing the spotlights shine bright in the early dusk. Biting my lips, I left the road behind to jump over a white fence, sprinting through an abandoned backyard. I heard cars stop and start again, screams and laughter from all around. The thrill was intoxicating. I never wanted it to stop. Never wanted to think again, to face the problems of the real world, whatever reality it was in. 

I jumped over another fence, running over the road, careful not to step into the halo of the streetlights. As I reached the perimeter of another house, I heard a car stop close. Too close. I ran faster, seeing my next destination: yet another fence. Who knew jumping fences could be so fun? I never understood why people did it in high school. It was but an arm away when I felt strong arms around my waist, and in the next minute, I was on the ground, the fresh, green grass stroking my face. I let out a loud, exhilarated laugh and turned on my back, looking at my captor, grinning ear to ear. 

"I've got you," he said, his blue eyes twinkling in the dark, and I laughed again, then bit my lips, unable to tear my eyes away from Luke's. They were too damn beautiful. 

"You might have sprained my ankle," I said, trying to force my face into a grimace, but my features abandoned me for I couldn't bring myself to stop smiling. 

"We wouldn't what that to happen again, would we?" he asked, then he was suddenly closer, maybe just too close, or maybe close enough. No, it wasn't enough. He tucked the locks that escaped my ponytail behind my ear, and leaned close, supporting himself with his other arm. 

His body was so warm, his pink lips too inviting to refuse. He let out a shaky breath and I was about to close my eyes when a loud voice caused us to quickly pull away from one another. 

"Did you catch her?" Jason asked as he walked towards us, and I glanced at Luke, licking my lips without registering what I was doing.

"Yeah," he said with a grin, although his face was red as he glimpsed in my direction. "Let's take her to prison." He then stood up and winked down at me, offering his hand.

I couldn't help but smile as I took it, standing up, letting them lead me to the gazebo. My good mood vanished however, for when I looked long enough into the shadows, I could see Campbell following the three of us with his eyes.

He saw me. He saw us. History repeated itself once again, but I did not want to let it go on as it did last time. In the past, when I let Luke get too close to me after accidentally bumping into me while I was running, Campbell heard about it and it was me who kept on apologizing between sobs as he raged, bruises of all the shades of purple, red and yellow adorning my skin like a small child have decided to try the newest colors of crayons out on my skin.

Upon reaching the gazebo, we found many people already there. I sat down in the grass, playing with my shoelaces, waiting for the others to arrive. I did not expect Luke to sit next to me. I was lost in my thoughts, in memories of the past that were way too painful and shouldn't have been brought up when I was around people. But when he spoke, the images disappeared, and my mind focused on him, shutting out everything else. 

"What's wrong?" he asked, bumping his shoulder gently with his. "You were having fun minutes ago. Did losing get to you that much?" he grinned, raising an eyebrow. I just rolled my eyes, but couldn't contain the smile that spread across my face. 

"What can I say? I'm a sore loser," I laughed, looking away from him. I was afraid that if I gazed into those blue eyes for too long, I would lose control again and do something we both might come to regret later. "Always have been."

"Oh, I know. I remember when you brought that board game to elementary school, and I beat you. You know, I was the first with my yellow human, and you finished second with the... green human. The six other people who were playing were obviously after you, but I wasn't." As he was speaking, I could feel his gaze on me, traveling from my hair to my hands, still playing with my shoes. I couldn't bring myself to look at him. "I think that was the moment you started to hate me."

I would have laughed, but his voice was serious. I looked at him, smiling, but still confused, tilting my head to the side slightly. 

"I didn't hate you, Luke. I don't hate you."

"I don't believe you," he said without flinching, looking me straight in the eyes. 

I didn't know what kind of game he was playing and wasn't sure how I should answer. He couldn't possibly think that I hated him after all that happened. It wasn't him I hated. It was Campbell. It was me.

"Well," I said, laughing, turning my head away again. I didn't like to look at people for too long. It left me feeling vulnerable and I hated that feeling. I really did. "I really don't hate you."

"Prove it." His voice was challenging and I would have sworn that I could sense something else in his tone, something I couldn't quite understand then. 

"How?" I simply asked, my face turning pink from the thoughts that crossed my mind. He shouldn't talk to me like this. He knew that.

"Come to Harry's party. Many people will be there. Probably including your sister, so-" he didn't finish, only shrugged. 

I glanced at him, contemplating my options. It was either the party, something I haven't been to, like, ever or being at home with the Lord of the Flies. 

"Okay."

-

We walked there, but it wasn't Luke, nor Allie who I talked with during those minutes. I walked next to Jason, talking about anything but the fact that we were trapped in a ghost town which was probably in another universe. I don't know what made my social anxiety disappear. Was it the rush of adrenaline that has not left my body yet? Or was it Luke, who was walking just ahead of me between Helena and Clark and always seemed to make me feel better somehow? Of course, his girlfriend would be at the party. I didn't let myself feel disappointed. He invited me as a friend because he knew I didn't have that many of them. And I was more than okay with that. I liked him. I liked to talk to him, to make him laugh and see as his eyes lit up every time he smiled. Platonically. 

"What would you have been?" Jason asked, and I smiled at the question. I looked up at the stars above us, touching my lips with a finger. 

"A biologist of some sorts, I think. Well, psychology was also something I cared about. Care," I corrected myself. "What about you?"

"Well," he sighed, grimacing. "Many people have asked me that question before. I was thinking about going pro, but let's be honest, there's not a big chance that was ever going to happen. So I always said that I didn't know. I also thought about the army, or being a personal trainer, something like that."

"Yeah, you love sports, we get it," I laughed, and I was glad he laughed along with me.

For maybe the first time in my life, I felt accepted, like I belonged. I would have asked him about his family, maybe his girlfriend. I actually liked talking to him. But we got to Harry's house and everyone went their separate ways. 

"Catch you later," he said before disappearing behind a door, and I just stood there awkwardly for a moment, gripping my arm, but then I felt a tiny hand on my shoulder and my body relaxed again.

"What are you doing here?" Allie asked grinning as she reached me, pulling up a brow. "Are you here with someone?"

"No-" I said, probably way too fast. I could feel my face heat up as I continued. "I mean, Luke invited me, and it seemed better than reading alone at home, so. Here I am," I smiled, shrugging and she laughed, hugging my shoulders as we started walking to the pool. 

"Okay, yeah, I hope you know that Helena's here," she said and I groaned, turning my face away to make sure no one heard her. 

"Yes, I'm aware. Why wouldn't she be here? He's Luke's girlfriend."

"You sound like that fact doesn't bother you," she said, smiling knowingly at me, grabbing a bottle of beer from a crate and handing it to me, then getting one for herself. 

"Why would it?" I asked as I opened the bottle, my voice a bit higher than it should have been. 

"Why wouldn't it? Do you actually see me? I'm your sister, Rachel. You can't fool me, you know," she tilted her head slightly, then took a swing. 

Over her shoulder, I spotted them. he was sitting on a lounge chair with Helena by his side, her leg over his, talking, clearly enjoying each other's company. I swallowed, unable to tear my gaze away from them. My sister looked in the same direction and sighed as she too, saw the couple. 

"He's so much better than Campbell." 

Her words cut deep, but they were very true. Subconsciously I compared everything they did. The way they acted, how they talked to me, how they looked at me. They were complete opposites. Luke was the kind of guy I was supposed to end up with - nice, smart, funny, reliable, responsible. And Campbell was the kind your parents warned you about - dangerous. They had their similarities. Their eyes would sometimes carry similar messages, their touch felt almost the same. And the reactions they managed to get out of me - yeah, they were definitely similar. 

"He's looking at you," Allie whispered, and he really was. I did not know when exactly, but at one point our eyes connected over her girlfriend's shoulder, and as I realized what was happening I blushed, turning away, sipping my beer instead. Was it really hot or was it just me? "Holy fuck, what was that? Did you see that? You did, oh my god," she laughed again, shaking her head. "I swear I thought they were going to get married and have seven kids, and then you just waltz in in your yellow top and he just undresses you with his eyes while talking to his girlfriend. Holy. Fuck. Rachel. When did you become cool?"

"Stop it," I laughed, pushing her lightly. "How are you already drunk? You had like two sips."

"Yeah, I'm gonna go now, talk to Harry. Meanwhile, while that dumb kid over there realizes that he has to break up with his girlfriend, you could find some candy for yourself, huh?" she said, raising her eyebrows suggestively and I just laughed, again. 

"Shoo," I pushed her and she went, more than willing to sit next to Harry, who has clearly been looking in our direction for the past minutes. 

I also found a lounge chair for myself, then was accompanied by Jason and Erika. I talked to them through the night, occasionally glancing in Luke's direction, often catching his eyes. I didn't know what it meant or what I was supposed to do about it. The kind of games he plays - I was not familiar with them, never had to participate in similar before. 

When the rain started, I went inside with everyone else, not surprised to see the secret smiles Allie and Harry exchanged in the kitchen. I was focused on them, trying to figure out what has happened, which wasn't a big mystery - anyone who had eyes could tell that they slept together. When I felt fingers playing with the ends of my hair, I stiffened, looking at my side and finding Luke glancing at me. He didn't hold my gaze this time, but looked back at Harry, his fingers never leaving my locks. I felt butterflies in my stomach, which was as stupid as it sounds. I glanced around quickly and saw Helena's back, facing away from us. This was ridiculous. 

"All right. Expedition to the hardware store for flashlights. Who's in?" Clark asked and I stood up immediately. 

"I'll go," I said and I saw Jason and Erika stand up as well. As I turned around and glanced down at Luke, I saw something like disappointment in his eyes. 

"Don't leave without me," I heard Allie from inside, but I was already in the rain. 

We all got into Clark's car, driving to the store, although my mind was really, really far from flashlights and electricity. 

"You okay?" Allie asked from next to me, and I nodded, not looking at her. 

Erika smiled at me from the other side, like she knew what was going on. Who knows, maybe she did. Maybe the guys placed a bet to see if a nerd would open her legs for a jock. I knew how bad and crazy it sounded. Still, my mind found that to be the only sensible explanation as to why they suddenly all seemed to like me - especially Luke who had his beautiful, perfect girlfriend. 

I did not have much time to think, which was a blessing, really. We got to the store, but the door was already open, and people were running in and out. Well, we probably aren't going to get any flashlights. We got out and watched as the boys raced inside, backing away from the scene, away from the rain. 

"This isn't gonna end well," Erika said, scanning the crowd with wide eyes, clutching my arm. Surprisingly, I agreed with her. I could feel it in my bones - a storm was coming, one way worse than this one. 

It only took seconds for the fighting to begin. We watched it in horror, unable to mutter a single word. As Cassandra, Gordie, Harry, Nick, and Kelly appeared, our group was complete - probably too big already. Nobody was able to stop them now. I wondered if the future would be any different.


	5. We remember her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! Thank you so much for reading my story, and especially thanks for those of you who left comments on the last chapter, they made my day. This chapter contains a poem, adapted from the Yizkor Service. I hope you will like it!

My head was spinning, my body drenched with sweat when I woke with a gasp, panting like a dog after a good game of fetch. The room was still dark, and the sight of the familiar curtains soothed me a bit, but when I felt someone moving next to me, I felt panic grip my heart again and I almost screamed, scooting away quickly on the bed. I had to get away from him. 

"Hey," I heard a sleep-drenched, deep voice that rang alien at first. I was waiting for the iron fists to grasp my wrists, but instead came a gentle touch, brushing my arm. It reminded me of my mother, coming over to my room after I woke up sobbing, lulling me back to sleep, making sure I was alright. "It's okay. You're okay."

"Luke?" I asked, my voice weak. My eyes slowly adjusted to the darkness and I could make out his features in the light of the moon that shone through the window. "Luke." And my arms were around him in the next minute, our bodies molding together under the sheets. 

"Did you have a nightmare?" he asked, and I could feel his big palm on the small of my back, pulling me even closer to him. 

"I did," I admitted, pulling away a bit as my head started to clear. I looked at him, my arms still around him loosely, unable to let go.

"What was it about?" he pulled me back then, his arm curling around my waist. Through the thin fabric of our clothes, I could feel his torso flush against mine, the outline of his abs and hard chest pressing to me. It was a sweet distraction, taking my head far away from the darkness of my dreams. 

"I don't remember," I lied, pushing away the engram of Campbell's roughening touch and filthy words, the memory of choking and fighting for oxygen. I nestled into his arms, closing my eyes, burying my face into the crook of his neck. His scent filled my senses completely. It was masculine, just a bit like dad's favorite cologne. "Distract me," I whispered, even though his presence was more than enough to get my mind off of everything negative that I was thinking or feeling. 

"You remember that time I sprained your ankle, right?" he asked and my body tensed up instantly as the pictures came flooding back. I wanted to remember, and I didn't. It was a bittersweet one, and I have learned not to bring it back too often, because as sweet it was, it was just as painful. It was when everything went right and everything went wrong. 

"I do," I answered even though my gut was telling me to change the subject. But right there, in the darkness and coziness of the night and my room, things we weren't supposed to talk about, seemed okay. There wasn't anyone to listen, it felt like nothing was at stake, even though everything was. 

So I let myself remember.

We were freshmen in high school. It was a nice, sunny morning, early in spring, the air was still a little chilly, but our PE teacher liked the outdoors, so that's where we were. I remember taking up that early class, before everything else started, so that I would have time to go to ballet class in the afternoon. 

Our task was to run laps around the field where the football team happened to be practicing. It was nothing new, really. Sometimes a ball would hit a student, but there weren't any more serious injuries on the field. Up until then, that is. I liked running, as a matter of fact, I really did. It got me out of my head, especially at that time of the day, right after waking up. I can even remember how I thought about the fact that we can't even tell for sure what color the dinosaurs were exactly when I was practically tackled to the ground. I felt a sharp pain in my leg and I cried out, mainly due to the pain, but also from the surprise. It was Luke, of course. He couldn't stop apologizing, then offered to take me to the nurse, which he did. He waited with me, then even walked me home, even though my ankle wasn't broken, just sprained. We talked a lot that day and I really got to know someone I would have liked to be my friend one day. But Campbell's jealousy stopped that from happening. 

"Why did you ignore me after that? I thought you forgave me for tackling you." His voice was sincerely apologetic, but I couldn't help but laugh. "It's not funny," he said, but had a smile on his face. 

"You're right, it's not. I-" I started, trying to find a proper explanation, because I knew that I couldn't tell him the truth. I pulled away from him, turning on my back, my gaze fixed on the ceiling. "I think I was afraid that it would be too awkward or something. I don't know."

No matter how many lies I told, it never became easier. I dropped my gaze to my hands, and I didn't even realize that I started playing with my fingers. I stopped, intertwining them. 

"Well, I guess I'll have to wait for that answer," he laughed, turning to his side to face me. I bit my lip, not looking at him. Even though I still felt relaxed, as the sun started to come up, so did my common sense.

"You shouldn't have come," I said, still too afraid to face him. If I looked into those eyes, I wouldn't be able to say the things that needed to be said. 

"Oh, I should have let you come home alone, giving Campbell an invitation to follow you?" he laughed, but his voice lacked any humor. "I'm not that guy, Rachel."

"I know," I said, furrowing my brows. "But you don't know anything. You only made him angrier. You always do," I mumbled, knowing that I should have stayed quiet. I didn't want to complicate things. I didn't want history to repeat itself.

"Why?"

"You just do," I shrugged, sitting up, turning away from him. 

"Why do you always shut down? You don't let me talk to you." I could hear him getting up too, but I kept my gaze firm on the carpet, my fingers digging into the blanket. 

"Why should I? I don't understand you, Luke. What do you want from me? What kind of game are you playing?" I asked and finally turned to him, because I just had to see his reaction. 

He turned his head away, flinching. The truth hurts, doesn't it?

"You should go," I said, unable to hide the disappointment in my voice. I stood up, crossing my arms before my chest. "And we shouldn't-"

"We shouldn't what?" he stood up, walking around the bed to face me. I looked up at him, unable to tear my gaze away from his lips. I licked my own, disciplining myself, finding his eyes instead. 

"I don't know."

"Don't you?" he whispered, placing his finger under my chin, lifting my head slightly. 

"Stop, Luke. Go home," I stepped away, and he let his hand linger in the air for a moment. I could still feel his gaze on my face, making it redder than it should have been. 

"Okay."

I glanced at him, then walked down the stairs in a daze, hearing his footsteps heavy behind me. When I reached the bottom, I stopped in my tracks, confusion, and fear clawing at my insides. 

"Gordie?" I asked slowly, carefully, afraid of the words that were about to leave his mouth. He was sitting on the couch, next to a sobbing Allie. Cassandra wasn't there. "What happened?"

As he said it, I felt the ugly demon of anxiety turn me inside out, not caring about ripping me apart, breaking everything that was whole a long time ago. I felt Luke's arms around me as I buried my face in his chest, clinging to him like he was the only thing that kept me from falling completely apart, my already broken pieces scattering once again, littering everything around me. 

"She's gone."

The words stayed with me for a long time. They were always so clear when I thought back. Stayed fresh for months, always awakening the same feelings, ripping up the half-healed wounds that formed on my heart. I floated through the day like a ghost, dressed in black, clutching my sister's hand all through it. We kept each other above water, found strongness in the bond that formed between us over the years. 

We sat together before the funeral, my thoughts drifting back and forth between memories and my imagination - memories of when we were little and we went to the playground with dad and our cousins and the scenes my imagination made up of her last minutes. What she felt when it happened. She must have been so scared, left there to bleed out on the sidewalk, all alone in the cold. I wondered what her last thoughts were. Did she think about us? About what would come after?

I let my mind wander and my tears fall, fixing my gaze on my fingers, anything to avoid looking at the body. That was no longer our sister. I barely registered Allie standing up, Will taking her place next to me, his hands enveloping mine. I was grateful for his presence, afraid that if I was alone, I would drift too far away. I squeezed his hand, wiping away my tears with my free hand. 

"My sister, Cassandra, was good." Allie's voice filled the quiet church. I lifted my head at the sound, forcing myself to stay present, to pay attention and hear her, no matter how hard it was. How much it would hurt. "She was a good person. She was captain of the debate team. You didn't want to argue with her." She, on the other hand, was lost. I knew that her mind was always coming back to that one question: why. "Who did this? Huh?" She was trying not to let the tears fall. I knew how hard that was, way too well. "Who shot my sister? Why did you do that? We needed her! I needed her."

Without knowing what I was doing, I got up, walking up to the podium, next to her. I put my arm around her, letting her bury my face in my shoulder as she broke. 

"Before we lay her to rest, I would like to read a poem," I said, my gaze drifting over the crowd. My voice was firmer than I thought it would be, much more gathered than I felt inside. 

_"When we are weary and in need of strength,_  
When we are lost and sick at heart,  
We remember her.  
When we have a joy we crave to share  
When we have decisions that are difficult to make  
When we have achievements that are based on hers  
We remember her.  
At the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter  
At the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring,  
We remember her.  
At the blueness of the skies and in the warmth of summer  
At the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of autumn,  
We remember her.  
At the rising of the sun and at its setting,  
We remember her.  
As long as we live, she too will live  
For she is now a part of us,  
As we remember her."

As they took her body, I looked at my sister again. She gave me a small smile, trying to cheer me up even at a time as dark as this. I squeezed her shoulder, kissing her hair, then I took her hand and we started walking after our big sister. 

-

I wanted to stay home, close to her. Close to all the memories we have made over the years. After Allie left with Gordie, I lay on the couch, looking up at the ceiling, taking a dive into the deep lake of my thoughts once again. I wondered who it was for the very first time. It was a topic I tried to avoid before, but it was still there and I didn't think that it would go away any time soon.

The first person that came to mind was Campbell. Could he have been so angry? _You're going to regret this. _His words echoed in my mind, and after that, I wasn't able to forget them. Could he have done it to hurt me? He already hurt me in any way that was possible. Maybe he thought that this was the only way he could get to me? Or maybe he got too drunk and mistook my sister for me. We looked so alike, after all. That's what everybody said.

"Hey," I heard a voice, and I forced myself to look up. I saw Luke standing in the door, looking at me with pity in his eyes. I lay back, trying to forget that look, ignore his presence. I wanted to be alone.

"How did you know I was here?" I asked when it became clear that he wasn't just going to leave. He made that clear before. 

"You weren't with Allie and Gordie," he said like it was the most normal thing in the world, walking closer until he reached the couch. He sat on the floor next to me, his back to the couch, his head touching my thigh. 

"I want to be alone," I whispered, but my fingers tangled into his hair, finding comfort in being able to touch him in any way. I heard him sigh and felt him relax under my hand. 

"No, you don't."

We just lay there without saying a word, my fingers playing with his hair. Even though I thought it impossible, my mind was clear for the first time since Gordie told me what happened. As clear as it would get. 

"I think it was Campbell," I whispered, words I was too afraid to say any louder, afraid someone might hear them. I drew my hand back, resting both on my stomach.

"Why?" he asked, turning around to face me. I sat up slowly, putting my arms around myself, fixing my red eyes on his face. 

"He wants me to suffer. I can't think of anything that would have hurt more than this. Or-" my voice broke, and I could feel the tears coming once again. "Or he mistook her for me. Maybe he was drunk and-"

"Don't say it," he stopped me, sitting up on the couch next to me. "You can't possibly know what happened. Maybe it wasn't him."

"He has a gun, Luke. He was on Harry's side, you know that."

"Don't think about all that right now, okay? Why don't you lay down? You look tired." He stroked my hair, brushing it out of my face. 

"I'm not tired," I lied, leaning into his touch. He only shook his head, drawing my head on his chest. I sighed, resting my head on his lap instead, sprawling out on the couch. This time, he was the one stroking my hair, playing with my locks until my breathing evened out and I fell asleep. 

-

"We need to be careful right now." I stirred at the voice, blinking awake. Luke was still there, listening to Will's words, his head turned into the direction of the kitchen. 

When I sat up, he looked at me, like he was making sure that I was okay. I ran a finger through my messy hair, finding my locks all brushed out. I looked at him and I couldn't miss the fondness in his eyes as he watched me blink the sleep away. 

"What we say, what we do." I stood up, and he followed suit, walking into the kitchen behind me. Will stopped, and all 4 pair of eyes fixed on the pair of us. They must have seen us in the living room, the scene was probably pretty hard to miss.

I cleared my throat, sitting down on a chair, pulling mug before me, just to occupy my hands. Luke moved to the other side of the table, and even though I knew that was the smartest move he could have made, I still wished he would have stayed next to me.

"Less than half the kitchen showed today," Will continued, as if nothing had happened. "And nobody even bothered to call."

"It's not just the kitchen staff. No one picked up the garbage all weekend," Grizz added, and I furrowed my brow. I haven't been to work since everything happened, and now I felt guilty about it. I haven't even thought about the responsibilities I just abandoned to stay at home and mope.

"It fucking reeks," Jason pointed out.

"If we don't follow the schedule, we're screwed."

"And if the kitchen collapses, people will go after the food."

"They're already raiding the cafeteria pantry. " Will was clearly concerned, and he had every right to be. It was a bit hard to think about things like that right now, but I realized that if we didn't address these issues, all this will blow up in our faces. "Broad daylight. Nobody gives a shit."

"What do you want us to do about it?" Luke asked, and I instinctively looked up at the sound of his voice. Our eyes met for the briefest moment, but it was enough to warm up my face. When did this become so severe?

"We might have to enforce the worklists."

"You mean _we _would have to enforce the worklists. The Guard."

"And how are we supposed to do that?" Clark asked, the first time I heard him talk since I woke up. "There are four of us."

"Someone out there has a gun," Jason added, and I thought I'm going to be sick. My mind instantly went to Campbell, the image of him standing next to my sister's body with a gun in his hand. 

It was the footsteps that shut everyone up. Allie came down from her room, which meant that she was probably up there for a while now. How long was I asleep for? Nobody said a word as she filled a glass with water, and she finally turned around.

"What?"

"We were talking about how nobody came to work today," Will answered, looking at her.

"It's getting really bad out there," Grizz pointed out the obvious.

"Yeah. No shit. Something terrible might happen." My heart broke a little at my sister's words. That's when I realized how selfish I have been again. How I haven't been there for her in these last few days, how I locked myself in my room, deciding to deal with everything myself like I always did. But this time was different. This time I wasn't the only one suffering.

"We were just saying just how the worklists are falling apart," Jason explained.

"It's bad enough without her. We can't let the rules go, too," Luke added.

"I just wanted some fucking tea," Allie said, panic ruling over her features.

"Allie, they're right," I said and suddenly, everyone looked at me. "We can't let this happen. We can't let everything our sister worked for go to waste."

"Then don't," she said, then she turned away to go up to her room, but then abruptly stopped, turning back to me. "What's that?" she asked, and I gave her a puzzled look.

"What?"

"Your neck, it's-" she stepped up to me, reaching out, but I turned away, tucking my turtleneck up to hide the marks Campbell left behind. "It's nothing."

"Oh, Lukey, were you a nasty boy?" Jason asked his friend teasingly, but he only got a dark look as an answer. Allie didn't miss it, and I was sure that I won't be able to deny it now.

"Show me."

"No."

"Who did that to you?" she demanded to know, and I looked around, embarrassed. I wouldn't tell her, but with all of them here, it was even worse. Only Luke knew the truth and I was really afraid that he might say something. I was almost sure he will.

"Nobody."

"It was-" Luke started, but I interrupted him.

"Don't."

"I thought we were supposed to have each other's backs," she said, hoping to get some kind of reaction out of me, hoping that I would finally tell her the truth. I turned my head away, refusing to say another word. She was gone in a minute, trotting up to her room, leaving the mug filled with water sitting on the counter.

We were quiet for a moment, before Grizz got up to make her tea. I sighed, laying my head on the counter. I felt a hand on my shoulder, squeezing it reassuringly. I gave Jason a small smile, lifting my head once again.

"I think that's the right call," I said, looking at Will, then carrying my gaze around the guys. "If we don't enforce the rules that are already in place, there will be chaos."

Will only nodded, looking at the stairs. I knew he wanted to go after her, to comfort her, but he was afraid of rejection. She really was my sister.

"We need you, you know," Luke said, looking right at me. "We need both of you. You're our only hope."

I stared at him for a moment longer, contemplating his words, letting them and all that was said that afternoon, sink in. I nodded, never breaking eye contact.

"I know."


	6. Power

It was a Monday morning. At least, I thought it was. Without school and work, it always felt like we were on a summer holiday; I never knew what day it was unless I checked it on my phone. And even if I did that, I quickly came to forget it. I was up for a whole hour by then, took a shower and decided to make some breakfast. I haven't seen Allie expect for those times when we occasionally bumped into each other on the corridor. It started to feel like I was living with a stranger. Or more like a ghost, for she definitely looked like one. Of course, I wasn't any better. The constant nightmares didn't seem to leave me even when I was wide awake. I haven't seen Luke in days, either. That didn't help.

But it was Monday, and Mondays were the start of the week; the start of something new. So I made breakfast and took it up to Allie's room. Making sure I knocked before entering, I sauntered in, finding her lying in bed.

"Good morning," I smiled, sitting down next to her, placing the tray between us.

"I thought all meals were to be eaten in the cafeteria," she mumbled, but I could see her eyeing those pancakes like a child eyes their candy at Halloween.

"With power comes great responsibility, they say. But it also has its perks," I shrugged, taking a bite, daring her to stick to resistance. When she sat up to grab a plate, I let myself smirk, watching her eat. I didn't even remember the last time that actually happened.

"We don't have power," she said after swallowing, but then took another bite immediately. I couldn't tell if she did it so that she doesn't have to talk or because she was that hungry. Probably both.

"Yet," I said, but decided to save that conversation for later. It could wait a couple more hours. "I'm sorry I didn't come sooner. I should have."

"It's okay," she said, playing with a piece of pancake. "I understand. And it's not like you're the only one to blame in this. I could have come to you."

"Still. I should have taken care of you," I smiled, brushing her hair away from her face. "I know she's gone, and I know how much it hurts, but we still have each other, Allie. We have to look out for each other. We don't have anyone else."

"You're right," she said, looking at me from behind her lashes. "And no matter what, I will always have your back."

We ate together in silence. I wasn't the best cook in the world, but even I had to admit that I did a great job with this one. I only hoped Allie liked it as much as I did. But, on the other hand, when you're hungry everything tastes like the best meal in the world.

"We will find whoever did this," I said when we were both finished, the tray laying on the floor, Allie's head in my lap. I wrapped a golden lock around my finger, knowing that it always relaxed her if people played with her hair. The situation reminded me of Luke, and a bad feeling came over me. Even though I didn't exactly know what, something did happen.

"Yes, we will."

It was a knock on the door that made us look up. When Gordie stepped inside, I immediately thought of the worst. But she was there, laying in my lap, safe and sound. The worst couldn't have happened. So whatever did, I was ready to face it. But maybe I wasn't. After hearing about the chaos that broke out in the cafeteria the previous day, I wished Gordie never came inside, that he never broke that perfect bubble I fabricated out of a couple of pancakes and syrup. I couldn't deal with any more guns.

"Why are you telling us this?" Allie asked, but I already knew. They told us a while ago exactly what we needed to do, we just didn't want to get the hint. I knew she understood as well.

"We're pretty much passing the point of no return," he said, the worry evident in his voice. His eyes shot between the two of us, waiting for something we didn't have. Something we didn't think we had.

"Yeah, well I don't have answers," Allie said, glancing at me from the corner of her eye. I remained silent, turning my head away. I felt guilty. I felt like we abandoned the town and everything our sister worked for, with it. We should have stepped up, shouldn't have let any of this happen. "Cassandra had answers. She's gone."

"But we're not," I said, and both of them looked at me, surprised. "We're still here, and we can do something about it. We can stop this, Allie. We have to stop this before something happens."

"What are you talking about?" she asked, sitting up and pulling away from me. She crossed her hands over her chest, taking up a defensive position. "Cassandra's gone, and we're nothing like her."

"You're still our only chance," Gordie spoke again, his eyes on Allie. "You can speak in her name, she was your sister. There's nobody else they will listen to without questioning why it's them."

"No. No. No. Don't ask me to do this." Her voice was pleading, shaking from the tears she held back. She looked at me, hoping to find support, but I had to agree with Gordie. We had a responsibility now, one she left behind.

"We'll help you."

"Your help won't stop the next bullet from coming, Gordie. You're killing us. They'll shoot us, just like they shot her," as she spoke, she let her tears fall down, and I saw her hands shaking. "That's what you're asking us. To die for you." I held her hand in mine, and she looked at me. "I can't lose you too," she said, her voice breaking.

"We won't let that happen," Gordie said, trying to be reassuring.

"You can't say that!" Allie raised her voice, clearly upset. It was no small thing, that's for sure. She was young and still grieving. Just like me. But I understood why. She was always closer to Cassandra, or, at least that was how I felt. She didn't have anxiety that kept her away from her family.

"Yeah, remember what you told me? That when you were little, you prayed to take her place." I looked at her, confused. She avoided my gaze, keeping her eyes on the wall. She never told me anything like that. "That you would die if it meant she'd live," Gordie pressed on, not caring about the tears running down her cheeks.

"That's a little corny. You two realize how fucked up this is, right?" she asked, but I knew she wouldn't say no.

She looked at me then, and I nodded, squeezing her hand. We had a lot to talk about, but it could wait. It would have to wait.

"The others are downstairs. We'll wait for you."

And with that, he was gone, leaving us alone in the room.

"It's going to be alright, Allie," I said, my voice soft and careful, but my grip firm on her hand. "We have each other. We have Sam, Becca, Gordie, and Will. We have the Guard. They will listen to us."

"And what if they won't?" she asked, looking into my eyes. I remembered that scared look back from when we were children. She would always look at me like that, and I would always help her after, always protect and reassure her. And I would never stop doing that, not until my last breath.

"Then we'll make them listen."

-

We walked down the stairs together, holding hands. I could feel hers shaking, but she didn't stop, didn't hesitate anymore. She knew she could count on me, and I hoped I could live up to the promises I made to her.

"So you all had a fucking powwow, huh?" she asked as we arrived, all off their gazes directed on us. I looked at Becca, and she smiled at me softly, reassuringly. Luke was also there. I couldn't break now. "You went through every other option and came up with us."

"Allie-" Will started, but she interrupted her.

"Shut the fuck up, Will. I'm talking." I glanced at her from the corner of my eye, and couldn't hold back a small smile. That was my sister, all right. "All of you think that this is the only way. And you're sure? You've decided?"

They nodded, but I turned to her to say the words that were on my tongue ever since I learned what Gordie came to tell us. "I can do this alone, Allie. You don't have to go through this. It's enough if one of us has a target on the back."

"If you think I will let you do this alone," she said, looking me in the eye, "then you're not as smart as I thought you were."

I let a small smile show on my lips before I hugged her, squeezing her tight, not caring about the others. We might have lost Cassandra, but we would never lose each other.

"If you're gonna put this on our shoulders, then you had better be there for us every minute, every second of every day, by our side."

"We will."

"Of course."

"That's not enough," I said, stepping closer, standing behind Luke. He didn't look up, but I saw the way his shoulders tensed, how he intertwined his fingers on the table, his knuckles going withe. "Don't give us an easy yes, really, really think about what you're signing up for."

"We'll protect you," Luke said, looking up at me over his shoulder. I held his gaze, biting my tongue.

"And if we have to make a decision and we don't have the answer..."

"We'll all be with you, every decision, every second, like you said," Will said, his eyes never leaving Allie's. I knew my sister cared about him very much. Or at least, she did. What they both were unaware of was the fact that Will did too.

"Sure," she said, her voice barely louder than a whisper. "Okay." She let go of my hand, stepping back, turning away from us. I looked at her, but she was already halfway up the stairs. "But fuck all of you, and I mean that."

Then she was gone, leaving all of us there. I only spoke after a minute of silence, not being able to hold my tongue any longer.

"Luke," I said, glancing in his direction. "Can we talk?"

He looked at me, but when I saw the sadness in his eyes, I knew whatever answers I was gonna get to my questions, I won't like them. "Sure," he said anyway, getting up. I saw Clark and Jason exchange a glance, but they didn't say a word as they stood up and left us alone. As the room cleared, the places that the people abandoned were replaced with tension. I played with my sleeve as I stood there, not daring to even look at him.

"I haven't seen you in a while," I finally said when I couldn't take the quiet anymore.

"I thought you could use some space," he said as he took a step back. I lifted my head then, not caring to hide my confusion.

"But you didn't think I needed space right after my sister died," I said, my voice bitter. "Don't try to feed me that crap, Luke. Just tell me the truth. It was just a stupid game, wasn't it? Whatever it was."

"Was it a game for you?" His voice was quiet, his features blank, not letting a single emotion show.

"It sure felt like it. Come on, it's not like you would ever really care about me. You know what? I'm glad it's over. I really am. I'm not your toy. I won't be anyone's toy." I wanted to sound tough, I really did. But I was hurt. I wanted him to say that I was wrong, that he really cared about me, even if it was just in a friendly way. I wanted him to hug me and tell me he was sorry. I wanted him to kiss me.

"Aren't you?" he asked, and it was clear that he was angry. "You know what? Yes, I had Helena. But at least I never lied to you."

"Fuck you, Luke," I spit the words, clenching my fists. "Fuck you."

I didn't wait for his reaction, for I walked past him, right out the front door and didn't stop to look back.

-

A few days passed, and when there wasn't a meeting about our next step, I let myself wallow in my grief and fury, trying to work it out by myself. I wasn't sure if I should tell my sister about Luke, since even I didn't understand what happened. There was nothing, really. It was all in my head. He was just being nice to me and I misinterpreted it for something that just wasn't there. And he realized it and simply stopped. I had no right to be mad at him.

We were at the church, waiting for everyone else to gather inside. Our plan was solid, yes, but we couldn't control how people will react to it. We didn't know who had a gun and who didn't. I tried my best to hide my fear, but I couldn't. Allie squeezed my hand, then told me to come. It was time.

We walked inside, right up front where Gordie and Will were already waiting. I swallowed, but my mouth remained dry and my hands didn't stop shaking.

"In the name of our sister, we're taking over the responsibility of keeping us all safe," Allie started, her voice a bit quiet, unsure at first. "Um... of reinstating and enforcing the rules that she established. All the things that made this place work."

"Is there anyone who objects?" I asked, my voice firm. I carried my gaze over the crowd and settled on Campbell, again, sitting next to Harry and his girlfriend. They all remained silent. "Okay. New worklists will be posted this afternoon. Starting immediately, we're going to be confiscating all guns. Every last one. We're gonna find who killed her." As I said it, I looked at my sister, and she nodded in agreement. As we walked out, I held Campbell's gaze, daring him to touch me now. He no longer had the power. I did.

-

I was making tea for the others when I saw him outside the house, sitting on the steps. I put up the pot, but left it there. I wasn't sure what I was expecting to happen. After our last conversation, I knew he didn't want to talk to me anymore. Still, I couldn't stop myself from opening the door and standing next to him, crossing my arms over my chest, looking at the road.

"You're the guard dog this afternoon?" I asked without glancing in his direction.

"I am." His answer was hesitant, like it wasn't what he wanted to say. "Everyone's got a job to do."

"I gu-" I started, but stopped, as I saw Campbell approaching the house. As he saw me, he let a smirk spread across his lips, but when Luke stood up, it was gone in a second, a frown taking up its place.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, walking towards him, stopping him from coming closer to the house.

"Good day to you, too, love," he said, putting an arm around my waist, pulling me closer. He acted like nothing happened, like we were still a happy couple, those two idiotic kids in love.

"Take your hands off her," Luke said from behind me, but he didn't listen, pulling me even closer.

"Maybe you should have stick to Helena. I think it's clear who she really wants," Campbell told him with a smirk, then grabbed my head, pressing a kiss on my lips.

I stepped back, shoving him away from me.

"You disgust me," I hissed, wiping my mouth with my sleeve. "I'm going to ask you again. What the hell do you want?"

"I needed to talk to you," he said, glancing at Luke over my shoulder. "Inside."

"Turn around, put your hands on your head," he said, stepping next to me.

"Seriously?" Campbell asked, his lips pressing together in frustration, forming a thin line. "Babe," he sighed, looking at me, dismissing Luke with nothing but a glance, "why don't you call off your dog?"

Maybe it was his words or all the hatred that has gathered inside of me over the years, or maybe it was a combination of the two, but I found myself pointing my cold gaze at him, stepping closer. 

"You heard him. Turn around. Put your hands on your head."

My voice was firm. Commanding. Confident. I could hardly remember a time when I wouldn't tremble under his gaze, break at his touch, flinch at his words. I never fought back, never resisted hard enough when I should have. I was powerless, alone. But things changed. Everything changed. I no longer had to be the girl whose answer was silence, tears, and acceptance. 

He held my gaze and his eyes seemed to darken before he turned around, following my instructions. Luke glanced at me, and I nodded, watching him check if he had a gun on him. Which, to no surprise, he did. Luke took it, handing it to me. In my mindstate, maybe that wasn't the cleverest idea. 

When Campbell turned back around, he came face-to-face with the pistol I pointed at him.

"What the fuck?" he asked, his gaze drifting to my face, instinctively taking a step back. "Put that down, you-"

"How does it feel, Campbell?" I asked, my eyes never leaving his face, searching for any indication of emotion as I walked closer to him. "How does it feel to be powerless? How does it feel to be at the other side of the game, huh?" I raised my voice, but my hand was shaking, my knuckles turning white as I gripped the handle.

"Rachel, don't do anything you will regret. He's not worth it," I heard Luke say, his voice careful, slow. I didn't look at him, but his words reached my mind, made it through the loud pounding inside. 

"Maybe he is. I wonder if she felt the same way you do now, Campbell. Thought the same thoughts. But that's not even possible, is it? You can't feel anything, you never could. You can only pretend, act like that big black void that's taking up the place of where your soul is supposed to be isn't actually there. But one can only pretend for so long."

"I didn't kill Cassandra," he said, his voice shaking with fury. His posture was tense, fists balled, ready to jump at any minute. But he couldn't. "You won't kill me. You love me, Rachel. You can't help yourself."

"I do love you," I admitted without blinking, my finger slipping closer to the trigger. "I love you so much, it sometimes hurts. More than all the bite marks, blackeyes and broken bones. I love you passionately. And I hate you just the same."

"Rachel, put the gun down." I froze up, but didn't drop it right away. "Luke is right. He's not worth it."

I let a tear roll down my cheek. Then another. A sob broke out of me and I collapsed onto the ground, the pistol landing on the grass next to me with a heavy thud. 

"I fucking came here to give you the gun," I heard Campbell shout, no longer able to contain his anger. "Maybe you should keep that psycho sister of you-" he stopped abruptly, a loud thud interrupting him mid-sentence. Then another, and another. 

"Let me go!" This time, it was Luke's turn to shout, and then he was next to me, kneeling in the grass, his hands grabbing my face. The smell of iron filled my nose as I looked up at him, the tears still streaking down my face. I let out a shaky breath, closing my eyes as our foreheads touched, my fingers finding the fabric of his shirt. I felt his thumb caress my cheeks, wiping my tears away.

"It's alright," he whispered, and I could feel myself calm down slowly, my breathing evening out. "You're alright."


	7. Words and Lips

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there!   
Sorry for the wait. With school starting, I barely have time or energy to write, so updates might become a rarer thing these days, but I will try to sit down and do the work for you guys. Hope you will like the new chapter! As always, all comments are welcome.

By the house got quiet, it was already dark outside. All the others were gone - collecting guns, working or searching for more evidence, except for Clark who sat outside, guarding me and Allie. We were in the living room, watching a cartoon on her notebook - something she suggested we should do. I just laughed about it at first, thinking she was joking. But when she finally convinced me to give it a chance, I realized that it wasn't all that bad. The drawn colorful characters distracted me with their songs and quests, and I must admit that it was a rather nice distraction.

Finally getting to spend some time with Allie was also a plus side. I smiled softly as she started braiding my hair, just like when we were little and had a sleepover in each other's rooms. The movements of her hands reminded me of a time long gone, when everything was good, simple, and happy.

The idyllic picture was short-lived for a knock on the door forced us to pause the movie. It was already 11 pm and I guess it was once considered rude to pay a visit at such a late hour. But things like that didn't matter anymore. We lived on our own now, but not because we were adults. In this world, everyday courtesies seemed irrelevant.

"Helena," I heard Allie's surprised voice from the doorway when I stood up, holding a now-empty bowl in my hands, once filled with chips. "Come inside."

"Thank you."

Her voice made my stomach turn and sent my mind on a race. Did she know? Was there even anything to know? I walked towards them, into the dining room slowly and carefully. I didn't want to be there - I wanted to run upstairs and hide under my bed in shame, not letting anyone see my red face.

"Hey," I said instead as I sat down on a chair.

Helena only nodded, placing a gun on the table. We both stiffened, staring at the object like it was a big, glowing cube from another world. With wide eyes, I glanced at Helena, then Allie. Images flooded my mind - Cassandra's limp body on the pavement, bleeding out; Campbell's face behind the pistol, his eyes dark. I swallowed, turning my head away before my dinner landed on the floor.

"My boyfriend's going around collecting these for you," she spoke finally and I forced myself to look up. We were their leaders now. We had to put up a brave, unified front even if her words felt like stabs. "We got into a fight about it. Luke doesn't even know where I keep the guns. He can't even find them in a house he knows."

"What's you point Helena?" my sister asked, but I remained silent.

Her gaze was fixated on me, like she was observing my behavior. Her almond eyes seemed predatory in the dim lights of the house, her posture or expression told nothing about how she felt. I didn't let myself flinch at the words that left her mouth, nor the look she gave me.

"Anyone who wants to hide a gun from you can do it. Piece of cake. You'll only get these from the people who want you to find them."

"You know all the people I-" I started, trying to find the right words as I placed my arms on the table. "I just gotta say, it just seems a little inconsistent. With the whole preaching in the church thing."

"Praying helps with some things. Others, you have to take into your own hands."

A shiver ran down my spine and I felt my heartbeat quicken. Her expression left no doubt - she meant it as a threat. She knew something - or at least, she suspected it. I didn't even know why I thought that she wouldn't.

"What are you gonna do with it?" Allie spoke up again. "You gonna go hunt down the bad guy? You gonna do a shootout on the street?"

"No."

"Then what? Guns don't keep people safe. Guns get people killed."

I grabbed her hand under the table, and I could feel them shaking under mine. She squeezed my fingers, and we found strenght in each other once again.

"Can you promise you can keep me safe?"

"You know we can't do that."

"Then, no. You can't have it." She took her gun back, standing up. "And what are you planning to do with all of them anyway, all these guns you collect? It's not that I don't trust you, but why should you be the only person in this town with an arsenal?"

"We're going to destroy them," I said, standing up as well.

"Well, not mine."

She walked out, never looking back. I spotted Will standing in the doorway, and I decided to leave as well, sending one last look in Allie's direction.

-

"Why did you act the way you did?"

My voice cut through the dark and quiet of the night like a knife cuts through butter. Luke didn't jump, almost like he was expecting me to come. He was sitting in the same spot he did the last time. On the first step of the porch.

"How did I act?" he asked, never looking up.

I was hesitant to approach him. I couldn't guess his mood, and considering that he was either cold as ice or hot as fire around me during the last couple of weeks, I was a bit afraid of what I might get this time. Will I burn or freeze to death? 

"Weird. You always act weird," I said as I sat down next to him. I caught a small smile spreading across his face before he managed to school his features back into indifference.

"You make me act weird."

He looked at me then, his eyes shining in the dim light of the porch lamp. He had that kind of eyes you read about in romance novels - the ones the heroine finds herself lost in. That rich color of blue seemed like something one might drown in. I turned my head away, almost forgetting why I came here. Why I stayed home when everyone else was at church, watching a movie.

"You said that at least you never lied to me about Helena. What did you mean?"

I was quiet for a while, his mood turning back into that icy one, the one I didn't like that much, but still found attractive. Everything about him was attractive. He sighed, leaning back on his arms, his eyes searching the night sky like it held all the answers to my questions.

"I meant the obvious. You lied to me."

"I didn't lie to you."

"Maybe that's not the right word. You kept something from me. It's true, I never asked about it. But after the things I saw, I thought-"

He didn't finish, but his gaze landed on me, traveling from my face, further down. At first, I thought that he looked at my chest like boys usually did. Then I realized that his eyes scanned my neck, clearly noticing the bruises that were way less dark now than they were before.

"What are you saying?" I asked, pulling the neck of my sweater up, covering up my neck. He glanced at my face, then turned away, biting his bottom lip like he didn't want to say what he was about to.

"I thought you broke up with Campbell."

"I did."

"That's not what he told me."

I froze, my heart beating faster with each passing moment. My head whirled in his direction, my fists instinctively balling at my sides.

"You talked to him?"

"He came to me. He told me that he knew what I was trying to do and that I should think twice about it, because you're still his and you always will be. Of course, I told him to go to hell, but he just laughed. Said that you're playing with me, that I'm nothing but a distraction. A toy you use to make him jealous."

His face was blank, but I could hear the hurt in his voice. I should have known something like this will eventually happen. It almost did in the past, and now that Campbell didn't have me under his power, he approached things from the other side.

"I think he got everything wrong. I'm not his. I'm not anyone's. And I'm not playing with you. It's the other way around."

I could feel his eyes on me, but I didn't dare to look at him. I could feel the tears coming - shame and guilt bubbling up inside of me like hot, scorching lava.

"Rach-"

I didn't let him finish, but stood up and stormed inside, closing the door behind me. I heard him getting up, but he stayed outside at his post, not abandoning his duty.

-

I rushed up to my empty room and stared at the wall, hoping that the solutions to my problems would magically appear. I wanted to sleep, but I couldn't bring myself to calm down, couldn't quiet my mind. It was full of Luke and Campbell and Cassandra and Allie and the town. So many questions and uncertainties and no answers, no solutions. Thinking that I would be the right person to take on a job like this was foolish. The most foolish thing I ever thought, and I had many of those. I was no Cassandra. I couldn't tell right from wrong, for if I could, I never would have fallen in love with Campbell. But I let myself be whisked away in a lie that was so big that anyone could see through it, except for me. I turned away from the warnings and those words that were harsh but still were meant to protect me. 

I forced my thoughts away, opening yet another book to distract myself. It was a method well-known, once that always worked just fine. Running away.

It was a soft knock that finally dragged me back to reality. I couldn't tell how much time had passed, but it must have been quite a bit if the movie had already finished. 

"Hey," Allie said softly as she stepped inside, closing the door behind her. She sat down on my bed, and I put my book down, sitting up. It was only then that I felt a rush of fatigue came over me. Maybe I was more exhausted than I admitted. But sleep brought nightmares and I was still not ready for those to come. 

"Hey," I smiled at her, stifling a yawn. "How was the movie?"

"It was great. You would have liked it," she said, not looking at me, but keeping her gaze on the blanket next to her, her fingers playing with its strands.

"I'll go next time, I promise."

"I was thinking about something while we were there."

I stared at her, waiting for her to finish the thought. When she didn't, I opened my mouth to speak. "What were you thinking about?"

"I don't think that we should destroy the guns."

"What?" I asked, taken aback. She still refused to meet my eyes, keeping her gaze on the blanket, her face taking on a light shade of pink. She never liked opposing us, even before. Why did she decide to speak up now? 

"I think that we should keep them."

"All-" I started, my confusion showing on my features. I sat up straighter, preparing to the argument, but she never gave me a chance to question her.

"We can talk about it tomorrow. For now, just think about it. Okay?"

With that, she stood up, making her way over to the door. I watched her dumbfounded, my mouth slightly open from the shock. She opened the door, finding Sam standing there. She didn't say hello, just walked past him, leaving us alone.

"What happened?" he signed, and I shook my head, bringing myself back. 

"Nothing. Come in."

He walked inside, taking the place Allie occupied just minutes ago. Based on the look on his face, I was sure that whatever he had to say wouldn't cheer me up either.

"I think that we have to tell them about Campbell."

I wasn't sure what I was expecting, but these words weren't it. I could feel my body tense up, so I crossed my arms in front of my chest, turning my head away. I was biting my lips, trying to find the right words, but I just couldn't.

"I don't want to," I whispered, trying to stop the blush to spread across my cheeks, closing my eyes as if that could hide my embarrassment. I knew just how childish I sounded, but I couldn't help myself. That same feeling approached me that always did when I was at the brink of being exposed. I remembered the time my mom came into my room to wake me up and saw the big, purple bruise on my arm, asking where I got it. Or the time dad saw when Campbell grabbed me while we were arguing. Always the same excuses - I fell, he was just angry, he would never hurt me, it's not his fault. And always the same feeling - like _I _did something wrong.

"I know. But you have to understand that they must know. He's no longer just our problem, Rachel. All of them are trapped here with him, and they don't know what he's capable of. We have to tell them." As I listened to his words, they seemed clever. Logical. But my brain refused to cooperate, to see rationally, it just kept whispering the same thing over and over again, something that became my mantra over the years, something that found me all the time, not just in times like these, but when I was with him, or when my sisters dragged me out, even when I was in school. _No, no, no, no, no._

"I don't want to," I whispered again, a hot tear rushing down my cheek. I looked at him desperately, trying to convince him to let this go, to keep quiet, but I knew he was right. We just had to. His eyes were sad. Understanding.

"You're not to blame for any of this. You did nothing wrong, Rachel. You're the victim." Words that were true again still sounded fake in my mind. 

"If I'm the victim, why did I let him? If I'm the victim, why do I love him? If I'm the victim why did I enjoy it?"

I couldn't hold back my tears any longer. I broke down crying, and he wrapped his arms around me, holding me close as he stroked my arm, trying to calm me down. I grabbed his shirt, as if it was the only thing that kept me in this world. As my sobs quieted down, he pushed me away a bit, wiped away my tears and looked me in the eyes.

"It's all his fault. He made you love him, Rachel. It was all him. Not you."

"Let's tell them," I said, my voice husky from the tears that never seemed to run out.

-

We were all gathered in the living room that night. Allie, Will, Gordie, Becca, Bean, and the Guard were all there. I was sitting next to Sam, holding Becca's hand, who was sitting on the ground before us. Sam glanced at me, the question evident. I nodded, letting a long breath out. From then on, all of them would know. Sam signed, and Becca spoke, and it wasn't her voice, but her words that sent a shiver down my spine.

"There's a reason why we never had a dog growing up. We had a bird one time, when I was little. It was yellow and green. His name was Oliver. It vanished from its cage one day, and I went to see if it got outside somehow because the window was open. I saw Campbell playing with it. And he cut his wings off. Fully off. And was watching it try to walk away. Try to fly with his bloody stumps. It kept losing its balance and falling over. My parents tried to hide the truth from people. Pretending that he was just a difficult kid. Like a normal version of a problem child. Anti-social and moody. But Campbell is not a normal version of anything. They had him tested. He's a psychopath."

The room was quiet. Mute. All eyes were on Sam, except for one pair. Luke was staring at my face that was streaked with the tears that kept on coming. I did not let a sound escape from my mouth as he went on, and even though I knew the story by heart, it still broke me, no matter how many times I heard it. Luke looked no better than me. He didn't cry, I'll give him that. But his expression was close to what someone's who just been punched in the gut looked like. 

"Fuck," it was Grizz who spoke, the unshed tears glistening in his eyes. 

"You have to understand," Sam continued, "he doesn't think like we do, feel like we do. He has no guilt, no empathy. He can mimic that stuff. But he can't actually feel it."

"Rachel?" it was Allie who spoke. Her voice was scared, shaking like she just realized that I was sitting there and the person Sam talked about used to be way closer to me than he should ever have been. 

I averted my gaze as I started talking. My voice was quiet, but it didn't break as the words I was afraid to even whisper in the dark alone left my mouth in front of all the people that mattered the most to me.

"I can remember the day it started so clearly. Before, I thought that he was normal. A little shy, a little anti-social, a little bit of a rebel. A bad boy. He was never sweet, but he was always patient. Understanding. Gentle. Or at least, he pretended to be. He made me fall for him harder than I have fallen for anyone else before. Then Luke came," I said, glancing up at him. He was just as surprised as everyone else in the room, except for Sam and Becca, who have already known all about it. "You probably remember the time you ran into me in the field and broke my ankle. You were so sweet and worried, you took me to the nurse while you cracked the stupidest of jokes about mothers-in-law and jocks to distract me from the pain," I smiled at little at the memory, even through my tears. He was looking at me, never breaking eye contact, and I would have sworn that he didn't breath. 

"It was the most wonderful and most frightening day of my whole life. You took me home, and I remember my mother bringing me some tea before she left for work, making sure that I was comfortable, mentioning how nice the Holbrook boy was. I fell asleep and only woke when the front door opened. I thought that it would be Allie because I knew she didn't have many lessons that day. But it was Campbell who came into my room. I was sleepy, but happy. As stupid as I was, I thought that he came to check on me. But when I saw his face, I knew something was wrong. Someone told him what happened. And he hated how Luke acted. How he took care of me when it was he who should do that. When I told him that he was just being nice, he only got angrier. He asked me if I liked him. I hesitated. That was the first time he hit me."

I stayed silent, not sure if I should continue. I looked around, my eyes meeting with ones full of worry and pain for me. I pursed my lips together, my fingers tangling in my hair as I run it through my locks.

"The first time?" Jason asked, not bothering to hide the anger in his voice. "There were more times?"

"Many more," I whispered, looking at them once again. "He never cared if I said no. Asking that if it was... Luke asking, would I still say that. I wore his marks, learned how to hide them in school, from my family. How to conceal my shudders at the mention of his name, how to smile when they asked about us."

"Why didn't you leave him?" Grizz asked this time, and I just shook my head.

"I wish I could answer that question. But I can't. I was afraid, embarrassed. I didn't want to know what my family would say if they found out. Part of me didn't want to see him hurt, even if he hurt me so many times. But in the end, I decided to leave. I packed my bags, ready to leave everything and everyone behind and never look back. I went to the train station and waited. But the train never came. That's when I saw the forest."

"You're saying that he might have been the one to kill Cassandra?" Will asked finally, breaking the silence that settled in as everyone processed the words. 

"I don't know," Sam spoke. "I just know he's a monster. And we're locked up in a room with him."

Allie was the first one to leave. She went upstairs, never looking back. I didn't blame her. If the situation was reversed, I wasn't sure what I would do. Everyone left, one by one, some of them stopping to squeeze my hand, say a few words. I was grateful, but after I told them everything, I felt drained and empty and wanted nothing more than to be left alone and sleep. In the end, only Luke remained, sitting on the chair, looking at me.

"I'm sorry," he said as the room cleared, eyes never leaving my face. "I'm sorry for everything that happened. I never thought-"

"You have nothing to be sorry for. It wasn't your fault that he did what he did."

"No, it wasn't," he agreed, then stood up, walking up to me, taking a seat next to me, so close our knees almost touched. I shifted, turning my body towards him, wiping my tears away. "But it was my fault that I didn't call you after. That I let you give me the cold shoulder when I knew something happened that day. That I asked Helena out after that, hoping for something that wouldn't happen. That I didn't kiss you, even though that was the only thing on my mind."

"Luke-" I whispered, but then his lips were on mine, hot, desperate and gentle in the same time, unable to control himself, but still afraid that I would push him away. When I let my fingers tangle in his hair, he let out a groan, his hands finding my waist, pulling me closer on the couch. The kiss became deeper, raw desire and sweet gentleness dancing with each other, one never conquering, but balancing the other. When I finally pulled away to breathe, my lips were red and my heart beat faster than ever. As I looked into his eyes, I could swear that they were shining.

"I have wanted to do this since I was 4 and you stole my shovel in the sandbox," he said and I laughed louder than I have in a very long time. I let my finger trace the line of his mouth, sensing his eyes drifting down to my lips.

"You should have," I whispered and I lost myself in another kiss, unable to hear my brain screaming stop from the pounding in my ears.


End file.
